The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (June 29-July 5)

“you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”

ok thats actually my favorite thing to do

— erica (@ericanextdooor) July 1, 2024

how do you text a new friend to hang out without sounding like a democrat asking for money

— preorder MORE, PLEASE (out 7/9/24) (@EmmaSpecter) June 30, 2024

I don’t feel insecure in my height but when I see someone else who’s also 5’2 I’m like ok well that looks ridiculous

— big honkin caboose (@itsmegangraves) June 30, 2024

Woke up at 3am to find my cat eating a slice of my pizza on my chest. The pizza was downstairs in the kitchen. Dragged it upstairs to eat it off my body.

— Lillie (@lillie_arghn) June 29, 2024

Why is everyone okay with the way “Siobhan” is pronounced?

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 1, 2024

I wish there were technology that let you pay based on salary. Like this coffee is $2 for me and $20,000 for a Kardashian.

— 𝖋𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖍 (@frigginfrench) July 1, 2024

saw a jar of maraschino cherries at the store for $9.75 and said to myself, no. this is a chance to learn something new. so i got all the fresh ingredients, took them home, went through several recipes, and ended up making something that doesn’t taste as good & cost more

— lauren (@Very__Regular) June 30, 2024

went out with a guy and texted him in advance telling him i was wearing heels and that i didn’t want to walk too far and he shows up and the first thing he says to me is “THOSE AREN’T HEELS THOSE ARE WEDGES” ok diva my bad 😭😭😭😭

— bella ☭ (@bellanati0n) June 29, 2024

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) July 3, 2024

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) July 1, 2024

waiter: everything good here?
me and my friend: (both just cried) 👍👍

— aubrey (@aubreybell) July 2, 2024

The show The Bear is good but if a cheap sandwich shop in the city where I could get a big pop, fries, and a hot dog shut down bc a white man moved back home wanted to turn into a high end restaurant I would pray for that restaurant’s downfall everyday.

— لارا (@NormalArabGirl) June 30, 2024

my mom just asked me if i knew how to scissor and i blacked out for a second (she was talking about the floss dance)

— kristen (@shaunasjorts) June 29, 2024

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 30, 2024

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

— Leen McBeans ꪜ (@LeenMcBeans) June 30, 2024

why would i ever want to sort items online from highest price to lowest price? what am i, psychotic? dying tomorrow? the queen?

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) July 1, 2024

confession time: before i knew how to read the clock i had a line drawn in our backyard, when the shadows reached that line it was time for mickey mouse to air on tv. once my father learned about this he sat me down and taught me how to read it lmao😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

— ندا (@nidaaaaaamir) July 1, 2024

How dare my husband not bring me a hot dog from the snack bar after I specifically told him I didn’t want anything to eat.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) June 30, 2024

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 3, 2024

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

— Midge (@mxmclain) July 1, 2024