The traditional (and outdated) model of the stay-at-home wife welcoming her husband home after retirement doesn’t fit those of us who, as part of a dual-career couple, have spent decades struggling to balance careers, kids and marriage.
The women of my generation brought husbands into the delivery room and fought for family leave. We are now poised to create new models for what retirement can look like. When husbands leave the workforce before their wives, perhaps due to being older or having a profession with less flexible hours, routines and assumptions in the marriage that were established years ago are upended.
Through my work as a psychotherapist and my own personal experience, it is clear to me that the transition to retirement is not the individual decision it is purported to be, as much as it is an intricate dance a couple must learn in order to get the most out of their next chapter. Changing roles in a long-term relationship is tricky business. Jealousy can occur on both sides, with the retired spouse envious of the public accolades and paycheck still earned by the working spouse, and the working spouse jealous of the freedom from routines and deadlines enjoyed by the retired spouse.
In our culture, no longer being a wage earner can be challenging to one’s ego and lead to a recalibration of the power dynamic in the couple. But this profound realignment also presents opportunity for positive changes.
As intentional as most dual-earner couples might be to build a partnership, the reality is rarely a 50-50 split in domestic responsibilities, so it is not surprising that renegotiating long-held routines is often the initial focus when one partner has more free time.
One of my male patients, a partner at a law firm, said, “I am so ready to retire. I’ve had a wonderful career, but it’s been exhausting, and I want more time to do what I want. But my wife has this idea that it’s my turn to take care of the house while she continues her career. Frankly, I know nothing about that stuff and I don’t want to learn.” His wife sees no reason he shouldn’t shoulder more of the household responsibilities with his newfound freedom. Rationally, he knows his wife’s expectations are justified, but in truth, he did not anticipate her having a say in how he would allocate his time.
My patient’s assumption was that he would exchange the hours he worked for activities of his choosing with no need to consult his wife, the model he saw in his parents’ marriage.
This failure to appreciate how the balance of the marriage shifts when work ends for only one partner was echoed by another patient. He longs to retire but is waiting for his wife to retire because he doesn’t want to be alone and she manages their social calendar. His wife is enjoying her career and resents the pressure he is putting on her to stop working. Currently, they are at an impasse, each trying to wait the other one out.
The couples who are successfully adjusting to the husband retiring first are those where a less stressful schedule is a shared benefit and the husband doesn’t view domestic chores as beneath him. They exhibit an interest, perhaps even excitement, at the chance to redesign marital patterns.
In a best-case scenario, there can be increased respect and empathy for one’s partner, perhaps even healing past grievances. “I finally feel like my husband is actually listening to me and interested in what I am doing. He was always exhausted from work and he just wanted to veg out at night and watch TV.” This patient feels closer to her husband since his retirement, and they are experiencing a renewed intimacy long lacking in their marriage.
Replacing paid work with meaningful, pleasurable activities is protective for maintaining positive self-esteem. Whether the sense of being useful comes from making dinner, volunteering or learning a new hobby, what is important is that the husband still feels engaged in the world and appreciated for his efforts. In my own situation, when my husband retired two years ago, I was not ready to retire, but I fully supported his decision. I was more than ready to relinquish most household chores, and he accepted this shift, acknowledging how my efforts had benefited him all these years. He is the most relaxed I have ever known him to be, which is good for his health and good for his relationships.
For me, the benefit of being able to devote myself to my career without multitasking is an elixir that has enhanced my desire to continue working.
With the onset of aging, the need to share roles and be flexible only increases in importance. Couples who can literally step into each other’s shoes fare the best when confronted with illness or other challenges. The capacity to change who is “leading” at any given time may allow a couple to age in place even under onerous conditions. Despite stepping on each other’s toes occasionally, dual-career couples who choose to retire at separate times can be rewarded by the joy of learning a new dance.
Maggie Mulqueen, Ph.D., is a psychologist who has written for outlets such as CNN Opinion, NBC NewsThink and The Boston Globe.
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